giving monthly (or "feeling abundance pt. 1")

Generosity is faith.

These days, I give at least 10% of my monthly income away and I wanted to share my current favourites with you. (Also if you're taking Gala Darling's amazingamazing course Radical Rituals: Abundance and feel inspired to spread the moolah flow.)

I sorted them by category for fun but, really, any of these people/organizations could just be labelled under “creativity, power, connection, and compassion.”

I'd love to see any of them get more support out here.


Independent artists.

1. Four Chambers

Discovered recently, and loving their authenticity and artsiness. (Erotic)

2. Witchy Stuff

Cute. Witchy. Cute.

(How great is Patreon?)

Power and connection.

3. http://www.cnvc.org/about/what-is-nvc.html

The Center for NonViolent Communication had projects all over for bringing peace and compassion to people who didn't even know they could feel it when communicating. Found after reading NonViolent Communication: A Language of Life.

 

4. https://holla-inc.com/visionandprinciples/

Found in watching 13th. So important for living as a compassionate human.

 

5. http://www.freefrom.org/

Found via Chani Nicholas, one of my fave star-readers.

 

Earth-honouring/human-honouring projects.

6. http://transafricapipeline.org/

I heard about this project from one of the collaborators while I was at university. She was feeling so sad because she didn’t believe any big investors, or big corporations, would fund this project to completion anytime soon. A “pipe dream.”

I don’t want to believe that though. So, I donate, hope, and keep spreading the word hoping it’ll bring abundant minds, ears and cash balances to the solution.

7. http://standwithstandingrock.net/mni-wiconi/

Remember.


I'm learning about abundance.

True abundance is all in the worldview. 

(That's part of why Gala Darling's course (above) is so amazing, simple, life-changing.)

Trusting there's always good stuff coming your way, even as you're giving away your uber expensive backpack for $5 because it was a present from an ex and that's stale energy - even though you kinda need the cash right now. 

Because coins and paper promises move like energy. Money is energy.

So when you make space for abundance, open the door, and let it flow right in without needing to know where/how/who/why/if/when...it floods right in.

This is a sweet surrender, intuitively active and gentle. But definitely it's not passively waiting for ample money, luscious food, beautiful shelter and the riches of your dreams to show up while you obsessively meditate on it. 

While I do get joy and satisfaction from these monthly 10% donations, they really don't need my vulnerability or courage. Or even that much faith (even when I'm short on cash, I can usually trust that tithing is a beautiful idea).

A little courage, a little vulnerability and faith feels very generous. For example, telling one of your favourite people just how much they mean to you, which is one of my new monthly practices in addition to money donations.

I need all the courage though. Being so much in my feelings actually scares me. Maybe it's the intimacy fears or "they'll think it's all silly" fears. But this is something to grow into.

Because, generosity = joy. 

Joy and gratitude = prosperity.

That's my math for life.


More things on abundance coming soon. That's where my heart's been lately. Thanks for reading.

this erotic blueprint quiz is very, very helpful.

Screen Shot 2017-10-19 at 1.09.22 PM.png

I took this sweet quiz and was so...relieved. And excited.

This whole sexuality thing makes way more sense now.

The quiz officially named me a Kinky erotic type. And although it looks preeetttyyyy 50/50 with the Sexual, I identify with the Kinky just a little more.

The Kinky world is wide, but in general they're turned on by exploring taboos (whatever their personal ones may be), and are so curious and creative about sex. The Yoni Empire gives a good summary here.

And one of the shadowiest shadow of the Kinky type is shame. Shame is so interesting to me because I had/have quite a bit to work through. There's shame about their desires, needs, others' judgement...because society as isn't generally kind to the dark side. And Kinky can barely control its curiosity, wondering if the food there tastes as good as it smells.

My Kinky is fed by surrender, power dynamics, testing my limits, aaaand the rest is a secret for now.

The hardest part, though, is balancing sexy submissiveness with not slipping into co-dependency...by healing any shame, discovering more about myself, speaking my truth regardless of how uncomfortable it is, and practicing self-awareness. You know, balance is much easier now that I know my erotic type and what it gets high on.

And my other type, the Sexual, is turned on by...sex. The sexy visuals, erotica stories, and want to get straight to the orgasms, no "fluff" (like dim lighting, candles, music at just the right volume, you know). Like, "psst hey you awake wanna fuck?" Sex is a fave way of showing love, and without it they can feel unwanted and tragically unloved.

Some shadow aspects of the Sexual is they're perceived as "shallow," or they might get bored of/frustrated by all the "setting the mood," seduction and foreplay other erotic types might need.

Which is why it's awesome to have a quiz letting you know you're a Sexual. Because by understanding yourself, you can learn to balance buzzing with satisfaction and helping your partner(s) with their needs, being patient with their erotic type.

(I liked this summary.)

These results helped me feel grateful for being so interested in my sexuality, and already so accepting of it. I expected Kinky and Sexual, but the 3rd down is Energetic type. I first explored this type through tantra practices in this program, and that explains the great experience. It's fun to be more aware of my Energetic type now. (Elena explains again. She explains all of the types actually, as does the creatress of the quiz, Jaiya, in a series of videos after you take it.)

And I feel so grateful, protected, by a greater power remembering all the times things could've gone differently.

Feeling stupid for that time behind Walmart in an empty delivery truck at midnight? No, love, it was confusing and sweeter than expected, and you're okay now. Feeling shameful for ditching a sorta-close friend to fuck a boyfriend (who I'd leave a few weeks later) back at the dorm? That shame was showing me I wasn't acting like the person I wanted to be. (A person with more integrity, stronger boundaries and self-awareness.)

Compassion for all the situations, baggage, trauma successfully avoided, and for what's being finally healed.

Because I could see how these two types, Kinky and Sexual, could have destroyed my life if I'd buried them too far down. You probly know "what we resist, persists." It gets louder, more destructive, the more you ignore it. But it just wants to be acknowledged, to help you live your best life, and just needs some petting like a good kitty.

Compassion for the dark and ugly in ourselves is always gratefully received.

And let me hear about your erotic type results if you're excited to share! 

I just love all this sex stuff.

Especially how it's about intimacy, power, lust, love, life force (libido) creativity, breathing (I have the best orgasms when I take deep, intoxicating belly breaths into the back of my throat, hbu?), connecting to a Presence/God/etc and pleasure, of course.

I love our diversity. I share to promote compassion for "them/other" or "those people," and ending shame about non-conformity...esp in the sexual realms.

And to my sweet, weirdo, Kinky beauties: you are so wonderful. (Share some ideas with me <3)

it could unfold magically.

I soul-dived, took an Oregon solo trip, then came back to Ohio (they're surprisingly similar in greenery), decided to let creativity lead me somewhere. My first post about it was here.

But here, I want to talk about something I did in Oregon. I went floating in a sensory deprivation salt water tank. It was awesome for many reasons. FAQs from my favourite float place here.

I wanted to share my reflections because it was such a unique healing experience, and am open to talking about it more.

Introspections:

The magic of floating happens outside the float tank.

It all builds and comes together in ways I probably can’t even imagine yet.

In the months after floating, there’s been changes that couldn’t have happened without it.

For example, now I know how to just sit and feel.

Before floating, I couldn’t and didn’t even understand what that meant. Whenever someone wise recommended it, I glossed over it like “I feel things.” Oh yes, I have emotions, but just being with the feeling? Staying with discomfort?

Staying with a feeling in a way that asks, “what’s happening in me, through me that I need to acknowledge right now? what needs to be released?”

No numbing, no distractions, just love and forgiveness.

Digesting my experiences. Feeling it all fully.

Even if it isn’t easy, I know I can handle it, and why I need to.

Now, I’m doing this more and more often. Sometimes in the moment of the emotion, sometimes afterward.

Floating influenced how I am with my body.

I’ve realized how I’d been neglecting my body is some ways, in big ways. Her pleasure, for example, is in movement – and I hardly did more than sit and walk around the house most days.

Now, I’m aware of satisfying her. I focus on movement like nourishment – dancing small and big, sprinting, yoga, stretching, even finding movement classes just for fun (like pole dancing). None of my practices are serious, they’re playful and all about what feels good in the moment.

In the float tank, I also reunited with my inner mermaid. The float tank is a fun place to swish.

I remembered how I’d loved the sea from a few summers in childhood and I’d pretend to be a mermaid in almost every pool afterwards. And how I loved feeling the ribbed sand.

I began reconnecting to my love of salty water (taking a pinch of salt with water occasionally), the beauty of water (especially light through it), my body’s need for about 12 cups of water a day (whereas I’d been getting sometimes 2 cups but max 8 beforehand).

It was surprising to also find a desire for tropical beaches, just for the sake of being on a tropical beach – I probably thought this was too touristy and hadn’t admitted it to myself before, but the body wants, so.

Along the same lines, I’ve also been reconnecting with my love of tides (how they follow the moon) and the wisdom the ocean has for us. Like, flow. Trust in how things unfold. How it’s serene sometimes, Kali-like other times. How it just accepts ebbs and flows.

I’d even say floating helped me become more peaceful with challenges, situations that aren’t going my way, spiders, the world in general. More loving towards it, more forgiving of myself and others. More honest with myself and others about my truth (especially my vibes, boundaries, desires).

I’ve been learning to forgive myself instantly. At least, now I’ve accepted it’d be a good idea.

I’ve also started being more creative. My creativity is more important to me than I’ve (still! after all this time and all these lessons!) been pretending. I got myself personal art supplies and opened myself to the arts world (visited galleries as an artist, talked to other artists, went looking for a dayjob in that world).

My creativity has started flowing in all sorts of ways, I’ve found new interests and more things to be excited about. Things to get out of bed for (I sleep in more than I want to, considering mornings are my fave for soulwork).

Creativity flowed from my notebooks into how I’m living my life. I realized how free I truly am, because it doesn’t matter if others “get it.”

These changes have been years in the making, but floating gave me the space to nudge them closer into my reality.

They came to my conscious as little trickles of thought, little innocent, open questions that opened my world.

“What if I took my artwork to a gallery?” (I hadn't considered it before.)

“What if I forgave myself for ___?”

"What if I just made art for myself, for pleasure?"

“What if I created a little, compassionate drawing to remind people they're actually wonderful?” (In that moment, I was all filled up with compassion and wanted to remind everyone who saw my drawing that they're loved.)

All this, the floating and play and space-making, sums up like this:

I've been, incrementally, getting the growing sense that everything in my life is exactly as it’s supposed to be, right now. And it could be magical, if I let it. 

Soul diving in progress.

If you’ve been reading my writing for a while, you know I struggle with putting off launch dates, editing til it’s “perfect,” etc. It’s mostly been fear of not being good enough. I think. Or maybe divine timing. (Except it’s never the right time, you know.)

So here’s what happened a day before the playshop apps closed:

I cancelled it.

Howww Dariya whyyyy you were so close maybe someone would’ve signed up this time and you could’ve done your thingggg--

And what thing was that, exactly? What am I really trying to do here?

Ummm. 

Clarity desired. More soul truth...desired.

It doesn’t feel good knowing I can create something more satisfying, more full...and not doing it. Offering something that didn't have my heart and soul in it. And not giving myself space to create something that does. 

The more I tuned into this, the more I saw the workshop felt like it needed to be fuller. Something was missing, like it was just surface-level. You know, I like diving deep.

I’d had this intuition for months. Couldn’t trust it until now.

And as a friend reminded me recently, trusting intuition was the whole point here. {motions wide}

So. I’m cocooning, sorta, for the next while, taking my own advice on listening to soul. Giving space for creativity.

Creating.

But first, I want to be emptied of the extra. Bare and down to my essence.

Please, don’t rush soul.

And when you know it’s time to act…act. (I’m going to practice flexing my Divine Masculine like this.)

I'll still be expressing + creating while soul-diving. Expect free helpful things, writings, art and a shop.

These little creations, and progress on a new, deliciously authentic offering will mostly be shared with those who sign up to receive them. (Scroll down the home page for newsletter signups.)

So I’ll be spending time with soul. If you've been feeling the pull, hope you do as well.

 

Much Love,

Dariya

Diving into (April).

Every month-ish, I share resources and things I'm exploring.  

This month there aren't that many resources because I'm diving into...me. Observing more. Letting go what isn't serving, even more. Leaving room. Leaving more room.

Here's a few resources for self-discovery if you wanna fill up instead:

Enneagram test (free), was helpful for understanding how my Maiden aspect deals with things. I identify with Type 4 (buut with some aspects of 5), wing 7 prolly.

Forgive yourself. Here's one way from Liz DiAlto.

Maiden to Mother journey with Sarah Durham Wilson. Doing this with her gave me more compassion for myself + language for so much I didn't know how to articulate before and gave me new way to understand my cycles. Which meant so, so much.

Private coaching with Susana Frioni - just beautiful.

 

Really, though...leave room. Make space. Observe more than act. Be really tender, kind and loving with yourself. Especially you see the muck in the stillness. Let it be a gift.

That's what I'm doing.

Self-care.

Doing a mini playshop for myself. 

Hanging out in meditation a lot. (I'm drawn to daydreaming, mostly.)

Asking, "what would feel like rest right now? What would feel delicious and nourishing?" Doing that. With lotsa compassion when "shoulds" come up. 

Doing the bare minimum. Being more. (Unavoidable things, like taxes, can be reframed as nourishing/etc. Money: A Love Story opened my eyes to that.)

Thanking Mercury retrograde for this urge to revisit, refresh, restart. Lovingly letting all the broken pieces fall away. Emptying down to essence. (Trying.)

You do you, more and more. I'm doing me.

 

Reflecting on the end. (Bye for now, Venus retrograde.)

Writing this post felt like honouring the end of Venus retrograde. It was a time of creating healing projects (the workshop, webinar, others), reflecting on past relationships + how I show up in my current one and in life. 

There was an earlier post about being in the stay/leave dilemma, but this one is more relevant if you’ve decided to leave. And if the only reasons you have are your vibes. And it's even more closure, because I'm done reflecting on that last relationship for now. (Bye, Venus retrograde.)

So, how to end a relationship if your only “reasons” are bad vibes:

  • Acknowledge the vibes. If you’re feeling wary, “off,” like something’s not in sync…it’s for a reason.
  • Accept you don’t need to know that reason (or reasons) to act on the vibes.
  • Throughout it all, remember across from you is human who, probably, wants to love and be loved, like you. Approach with an open, boundaried heart. (If you feel they’re dangerous, drop contact and get out asap. That’s not what I’m talking about here tho).
  • Speak. Your truth. However it sounds. It could even sound like: I don’t have good vibes about us anymore. I’m willing to trust that.
  • They might want a concrete, “good” reason from you. And then might try to explain it away. They might say you should wait, things are changing, etc. They might try to convince you to stay. I give you permission to interrupt, firmly, with Love. (Capital “L,” Love.) “Stop.” And to hang up or leave if it doesn’t feel safe anymore. 
  • It might be so messy. It might drag on longer than you expected. Breathe and remember to Love. Keep trusting yourself. Get to safety, emotional or physical if you need to. (Including: hanging up, leaving their presence, turning to friends who have your best interests in mind, etc, at any point.)

When you’re out of the situation, you might start realizing what your vibes were talking about. In the weeks after the breakup, I had a lot of ah-ha’s about the co-dependency, trust issues, respect problems, and how I question my reality/experience more than I realized now woops.

If you have a pattern of running from person to person, running from commitment and intimacy…know there’s a difference between repeating this unhealthy pattern and moving on because it’s right.

How do you know?

Depends on you, on things. In my case, my vibes told me the truth.

When you listen close, they start speaking louder. Their subtlety may get you wondering if you’re hearing right or just telling yourself what you want to hear. (That’s part of why I was in the stay/leave dilemma almost a year.)

Ending that relationship meant honouring my truth...which feels like joy even when it doesn't feel like happiness (there's a difference). And makes my soul wag its tail like a happy puppy.

If you’re going through this, I believe in your strength.

Here’s to honouring the soul, however that looks for you.

Why rest?

A.k.a pause. Or cocoon.

Writing down the reasons helps me remember why I value it so much, and not put it off.

So here's how I spend my pause/cocoon time:

- Create white space.

- Reconsider. Re-evaluate. Remember.

- See where I’m leaking energy, power, strength, time, heart (feeling so much it’s not even helpful or caring because I’m paralyzed by the feels, or slowly sliding into co-dependency again).

- Just be.

- Relish in sensual experiences, make them even more delicious: Eat slowly. Feel the sun’s warmth. Hug a little longer than usual.

- Where can I, compassionately, say "this isn't for me?" 

- Take off the mask (pt 1). Throw a hissy fit, tantrum, say all the things that aren’t fair and suck and rant and vent to release in a healthy way. Journal as long as it takes, scream, jump, shake your whole body, ask my most compassionate friends to just listen to me rant. Taking off the mask of “I’m fine, everything’s good,” helps you either release and move on or realize you need to do something with the info.

- Take off the mask (pt 2). Keep discovering who I really am: revisiting my Core Desired Feelings, values and beliefs, soulgifts. Descend into the underworld to drop the unnecessary, only keep what’s still serving me, and fill up on soulfood on the ascent. Feel more full and in touch with my soul.

- See where I could give less fucks.

- Give less fucks.

- Have clarity on how to move forward.

 

My rest time is so necessary. I do mini pauses at new moons, bleeds, and in my offerings.

I’m craving an even bigger pause, though. Still brewing the idea, will let you know as it develops.

 

Do you “pause” whenever you need to? How do you use your cocoon time?

If you don’t take it as often as you’d like, I hope you’d make time for a mini one today.

A fun practice: letter to Current Me from 2027 Me.

Dearest Dariya in 2017,

Here’s some wisdom from 2027 (I. KNOW).

Just so you know, you will stop cushioning your business introductions with phrases like “I can’t wait to see what this turns into,” etc, trying to justify that new path or getting defensive about it.

Instead, you’ll just show up, so aligned with your soul, create your thing, and…let it be.

Just like that.

Without any padding of explanations hiding its essence, your truth. You’ll stop hiding who you really are.

Imagine that.

It was so scary to start showing up like this, and I am so. proud. of. you. I know it felt like being naked at first. Sometimes I still feel that way.

Except now, I have my own boundary of light. It allows me to show up fully, vulnerably, but ultimately knowing I’m safe. You just learned to call this “being in Queen.” I promise, it gets easier to stay on the throne.

And you know the boundary I’m talking about. You had a little one back then, too. Sweet child, you called it, “not giving a fuck” or “staying on the throne,” depending on how defensive you were in the moment. I say this with love.

Now, I just call it “following my truth.”

You’ve already started building that boundary. Good.

And I know you think you feel fully full most of the time. Oh, baby.

It gets better. You’ll feel even fuller. Keep going.

Remember your workshop on this?

You learned so much in that pause, and the more you kept doing it the more laser-focused you got – on your true self, on your purpose(s), on how you want to live.

Keep doing it. Keep letting the workshop and all your offerings evolve (oh, they’ll evolve). Stay with your truth.

Be prepared (but it’s cool, you won’t be prepared), there’ll be so many times you’ll think you fucked up (some more royally than others).

Let me just remind you: it’s not “fucking up” because perfection was never really your vibe, you wanted fullness, which is the full spectrum.

You know the feeling already. It’s joy. Being alive, feeling everything from pain to pleasure. You can’t do it wrong because you’re here to learn and enjoy yourself. I know you’ve been forgetting this little thing lately, so I just wanted to drill it in.

You want the joy.

Not the perfection.

Unsure about that?

Settle into your body right now.

How does “perfection” and “flawlessness” feel?

Mm, that’s what I thought.

This life is constant learning, discovering, joy-ing. Remember to have fun, remember to live while you’re serving. If you forget…just drop into your body again and think about “perfection.”

I know this is part of your core, your truth, so lemme guess: bland, boring, stale? Gross. Yeah.

You don’t want to have it all figured out, you don’t care about endless paradise – although sometimes it’s tempting. (You’ve just started calling this lost, restless, whiny, panicky mentality the “Unhealthy Maiden.” You might be happy to know she comes up less often these days. She still does, of course.)

It’s not how you want to “do” life. Your way values the fullness of people and life: the broken pieces, the darkness in others and yourself, the imperfection, feelings that are such a mix and tangle they’re hard to articulate, the messy truths, the revelations, the cracks we can fill in with light and gold. Dark and light, together. Feels like real beauty, right?

I still don’t feel like I have it all together, like I know what I’m doing…thank goddess. Any other way just isn’t soulful.

You’ll start to honour this part of you more.

Start right NOW.

Just kidding. What’d I just say about being perfect and having it all figured out?

Take your time, let it be imperfect, and keep sharing your truth. You can’t even imagine how beautiful it’ll be.

You might also like to hear you found your people. In the beginning, some of your people said you were too stubborn, too immature to follow the traditional path (like get a degree….you know the rest). They don’t need to be your people. You have your truth, they have theirs. Just remember to be kind, even when you feel defensive. Stick to your tangled, woodsy, mossy, wet-earth flavour.

I’m so proud of you for not giving in.

Don’t you dare give in.

Thought you might want to hear this.

 

Much love,

Dariya of 2027

PS. Might write you another one next year. I'm watching you. With love. <3

Those times when staying soulful, trusting intuition is...kinda hard.

Staying soulful means: trusting your truth, trusting the insights, listening to your soul above all else. 

Lately, it hasn't been easy...I keep changing the dates, the times, the copy on my website.

I’m not a consistency advocate, but this just isn’t soulful.

It’s me going back and forth between trusting my gut and acting on “shoulds” because I’m scared to do it wrong. You can’t do it wrong if you’re doing it soulfully, Dariya. I know, but...some days it's so hard to remember this.

And nothing against logic - when it isn't running the show. I want to let my soul talk more because I’ve been so logic-centered for so long. And I’m a Gemini. Words and overthinking are a comfortable place.

I overthink, I can talk myself in and out of almost anything, and have generally trusted logic over intuition most of my life.

When I started trusting my soul more, I started seeing logic had me on a leash. It deceived me so many times (ahem, how I stayed in unhealthy relationships extra long, still get confused about "what really happened," etc)...in fact, I preferred to be deceived, to live at the surface level and not dive deep.

Because it was so much easier to tell well-meaning adults “oh this was my logic” instead of “these were my vibes” when things went wrong. And "vibes" weren't a good reason.

They are now tho.

Although I still fall into the “mind over soul” mentality, I want to get out asap and into my body, back to soulfulness. It just feels better.

And is way more fun.

You might get frustrated with yourself sometimes too, for going the “logic” over “trust” route. For making the “reasonable” choice out of fear, instead of the choice your soul whispered. Knowing the outcome could’ve felt…better.

So, why’s it so hard to stay soulful?

First, I'm gonna ask you to find extra compassion for yourself. Throw something for the inner critic to chase and while it's distracted, hold yourself. Be really, really gentle. You're exactly where you need to be. You're alright. Belly breaths.

We can pause here for a minute.

Good?

 

Here’s what I need to remember when staying soulful feels hard:

Everything you’re doing and have done has led you to this place right here, right now.

You have so much to explore while you’re here, in your body, with your soul, in this lifetime.

Sometimes you’ll be overflowing with joy, wonder, gratitude, in total bliss. Sometimes you’ll feel broken and drained. You could choose to stay scattered or to fill the cracks with gold. You know this.

 

This human life is about balance.

Being both spiritual and practical.

Balancing “work” and…everything else.

Feeling like a failure. Feeling so loving and kind towards yourself.

Balancing your inner Masculine and Feminine. Or letting one dominate.

Trusting your intuition one moment, and letting shoulds take over the next.

And at the same time, living fully.

Having incredible experiences, meeting amazing people, seeing beautiful human expression through architecture/art/dance/song/conversation/etc, feeling connected and at one with nature, and feeling grateful for being in this time and this place.

And the other side of that.

 

I self-care daily to feel full and keep balancing all this.

But some days (or weeks), I get so caught up balancing things and trying to do the “right” thing I stop self-caring and being compassionate, and fall into deep holes of “why me, why this, this sucks, it isn’t fair, I’m terrible—“

So, it’s hard staying soulful because…it’s part of being human.

You’re doing a great job, by the way.

 

Take this as a sign to self-care extra today (and longer if you need it, please).

My “pause” workshop will be the self-care I really need. Starting April 24th, I’m guiding, and joining, 3 women in feeling more full every day and living more soulfully.

If you’re feeling it too, apply here before April 17th.

Did you fail the first time? Could be great.

I first launched my workshop (or, playshop) in February.

Here’s what I did after I wrote the sales page:

Went to my dayjob, thought about telling people about my thing, worried about telling people about my thing.

And I was relieved when no one signed up. The inner critic still said, “see?” but my gut wanted me to go deeper.

“I have more to show you.” It gently, lovingly, revealed so much.

I got more and more gratitude for “first launch failure” as time went by. Now I’m at pretty full gratitude capacity, because it’s just a reminder I can always change my story (like by, ahem, showing up) and even this winding road is still…perfect.

Here’s why.

In the weeks since my “failure”:

I took my own advice and rested from extra podcasts, books I “had to” read, things I “should” do (like figure out my perfect morning routine).

I listened to The Alchemist for the first time. As much as I enjoyed it, I craved rereading Women Who Run With the Wolves hella strong afterwards.

Turned my attention to Chinnamasta, the goddess I’ve been drawn to for years (without knowing her name until recently).

I connected with Goddess Inanna’s descent in this course with the incredible Sarah Durham Wilson.

Got clarity on how I want to deliver, what I’m on fire to create, and how my inner critic sneaks in.

I’ve approached fears I didn’t want to look at before, such as: what happens when “they” find out I’m a fraud (Tanya Geisler does ahmazing work on this), when will I be able to support myself with my soul gifts, what if I need to have everything figured out before I can do this? Hey there inner critic.

I took time to see deeper into what I really wanted to offer.

Finishing deep coaching with Susana Frioni, I learned so much about the power I’ve been hiding from (the warrior archetype), and found an inner support system (personal goddesses and queens, hell yes).

I caught myself trying to find The Solution outside myself again. The Solution is something external that'll "fix" you because you aren't "enough" and can't do it for yourself. (BS, btw.)

All of this brings me back to these intentions: vulnerability, authenticity, Truth, Love, Queen…I’m so over trying to do it “right.”

I showed up, lived my truth, and however it lands is cool with me.

I almost forgot these lessons when I relaunched the playshop - started things too fast, too soon. That’s how it goes, though, so the intentions above are a daily meditation and in my notebooks.

My coach gently and firmly reminded me it’s silly to start a course only a week after you tell people about it. When it's a baby biz. And you didn't tell too many people about it. Or straightforwardly. Or even your people. Yup, showing up can be so hard.

Then I kept pushing it back. (P.S. It's staying April 24th now.) Scary, tho: am I avoiding putting in the work again, is this hiding, am I taking too much time to pause before relaunch? 

Naw.

I delayed launching my course until I could show up more vulnerably, authentically, and with Love instead of Fear. To remember my real purpose here. And stay on the throne.

The journey with Sarah.

I was so healed, inspired, and set. on. fire by how she showed up. Her authenticity, vulnerability, and devotion to the work reminded me why I created a business, why I want to do my own work so authentically. It gave me language for my spiritual journey (Maiden to Mother/Queen, Queen Mother). It gave me compassion for moments when I get petty/fearful/stingy/lost/numby (“oh, Maiden, there you are”). It gave me words for how I want to feel: centered, in my power, trusting my intuition and the universe, showing up fully as me (a.k.a. putting the Queen in charge, staying on my throne).

The meditations on Chinnamasta.

With the help of this book, I realized I’ve been drawn to shadow work, and actually have another force I could connect with to support me. Leaving the light to someone else, embracing my work in the underworld, has felt reigniting because it’s so true to me. I adore, and am so challenged by, moving through inner darkness, coming out the other side broken in all the right places, ready to be filled in with gold. And helping other women move through this too, for their most well-lived lives.

Finished coaching with Susana.

My soul had raised its hand for these sessions. They helped me learn about my inner critic, discover and imagine my "endgoal" in my business, the power I want to step into. Most of all, I’ve loved discovering I’d disconnected from my strength, my Warrior aspect. I used to believe in staying small small, cute, soft to accomplish things and be loved (sigh). This discovery meant choosing another belief, that I can step into my power. Speaking of stepping into power...

Looking for The Solution outside myself. Again.

So, back when I thought the self-helpy world would solve my problems: I'd time my breaks, choose nonfiction and usefulness over play and soulfood, read all the productivity and success books whether they resonated with me or not, etc. I thought I had to grow, develop, evolve, change, because…I wasn't good enough and the next thing would fix me. When I slide back into this mentality, it's good to remember: just no, baby, no. Everything you need to know to live your best life is already with you. You're enough as you are. If you want new info or more things to enjoy, your soul will guide you there. Listen. You are your own Solution.

All these insights made my workshop, previously an “well, I guess…” into a YES. This work, everything it’s evolving into, is setting my life on fire. And, surprise, it's igniting me even more the longer I stay with my truth instead of the “shoulds." 

I’m grateful to be guide for this, grateful for the "failure," grateful to everything and everyone helping me serve best I can.

All of this + more is what I’ll be exploring in my “pause, realign, restart” workshop to help women feel fully full in their real, daily life.

Join if you feel the call.

Stay or leave? Trust your vibes.

It took several weeks of writing/re-writing + quieting Resistance to hit Publish on this. 

Writing helped me get more closure and heal, as did true love, rituals, rest, meditation, shaking, and the company of good people. 

Reflecting on that long relationship and drawn-out breakup, I've been seeing truths about who I was and what really went down.

Ready?

I wasn't ready to expand into my power. He was alright with that.

To become a whole, real woman. Witch, a bleeder, connected to Goddess, deeply intuitive, loving and fiery af. 

Then, without being able to name it...I wanted this.

That was the start of the "stay/leave" dilemma, lasting almost a year. I just didn't understand I couldn't love fully while being asked to stay the same. I tried to stop from changing at first, but I just really wanted to feel everything and live fully ya know?

When I started working with the brilliant Michelle Ward, the ex was curious about my new path, this creative biz and the place I was making for myself...but he didn't get it, admitting he'd always liked me going to medical school better. It just seemed more right to him, but it was all fluorescent lights and sterility to me.

He wasn't ready to discover his mission, his purpose(s). He hardly ever looked at his feelings because he was just "brought up that way." 

Well.

I was brought up a daughter of Patriarchy, learning to be a Feminine-disowning, vagina-hating, teacher's pet, daddy's little girl (key word "girl") to protect myself from the world, who was going for a career in medicine, or finance, academics, the corporate life, whichever hurt the least, because staying small and numb wasn't as scary as saying "fuck it." And trusting my truth first.

...and who eventually said "fuck it" to fluorescent lights and sterility, making a left at the deep, wet, dark, tangled woods, where the Feminine lives.

So those excuses weren't working for me.

I was getting in touch with my soul, discovering how I could serve, and stepping into my truth. I wanted my most intimate relationship to be with a person who respected this to the max.

For a year-ish, I begged him to grow with me and kept waiting for permission...to live fully...to be whole, embrace my light and dark...and then, to leave him.

I stopped begging and waiting.

If you've ever experienced letting go like this, it feels like all your strength comes rushing back. Ah, that's where my power went. Call it back, witch. Self-respect.

I asked for help the day we broke up, knowing it'd be messy. Two of my closest friends were having tea upstairs while I was on a video call in the car, staying compassionate as I could and sticking to my truth. I needed them physically there so I didn't come back like "woops didn't do it" after all I'd revealed and decided for myself. Thank goddess for friends who'll hold you to your truth and be there through the mess.

And yet, you do it alone.

Any journey worth taking, you'll ultimately come to the crossroads, meet your demons, and be asked to step up, step into...or step down until you're ready.

Let me tell you now: you're ready.

Choose your truth. Remember to celebrate. And forgive.

I'm rooting for you.

If learning + talking about relationships is tugging your interest, here are the top resources that helped me get clarity and become more myself in the last year or so:

  • I adore the work of Corrina Gordon-Barnes and whenever something new drops I get the thought, this is so needed. She's currently writing an e-book on the "stay/leave" dilemma and looking for people wanting to talk, confidentially, about their experience. Working with her helped me end that last relationship with compassion and Love, instead of blame and resentment. Capital "L," Love, is always the way to go.

Plus, sometimes clarity just comes from someone asking the right questions. If interested in contributing, use http://corrinagordonbarnes.com/contact/ to drop her a line and offer to take part. 

 

  • Terry Real is the no-BS, patriarchy-stomping, truth-digging therapist I'd go to for the best relationship counseling (a good idea, sometimes, for some people). I'd also give this book to anyone in their learn-more-learn-more phase.

 

  • Terri Cole's Real Love Revolution. When I was in the stay/leave place, just attending her free webinars gave me some of the language to explain my vibes more easily to others. So. Highly. Recommended. When the vibes are right, and enrolment's open, I'd love to take her program.

 

  • So grateful to The Queen's Code for showing me a world of relating I'd never been open to before. And I do like how it's written.

 

If you'd rather rest and cut the noise to hear your truth, I'm doing that in Fully Full, my playshop starting April 24thApps close April 17th. 

 

Stay true. 

P.S. Can you tell I wrote this on my period? Around the new moon? Fiery and no-BS x 1000 at new moon bleeding. 

Diving into.

I've been exploring:

  • Erotic Blueprint with Jaiya. Insightful free quiz. Headphones and private location recommended.
  • I just discovered Khatia Buniatishvili - this performance. Goddess.
  • Knixwear makes the only bra I own. Otherwise it's super soft Arie bralettes or #freethenipple.
  • Let Go of What Doesn't Serve You - Qoya. (The shaking's my absolute fave.)
  • I have so much admiration for Sarah K. Jones, she keeps inspiring me with her realness + on-point-ness, especially with her recent article on how to be sure your soul work is original + unique. YES.
  • This video from Corrina Gordon-Barnes for more connection when it doesn't seem easy.

Learning + exploring is amazing, as is digesting/integrating. Enjoy diving into things. Enjoy coming back up. And doing it all over again. Happy dolphins.

hiding? me too.

I wrote this post in one sitting but it took two trips to the kitchen and way too many snacks before I hit “publish.”

Hiding is my usual way to deal with fears.

Fear of doing my own work, showing up, creating my own art, has been big. 

There's been two times in the last year I contacted people doing their own creative work and offered to help in some small way. I used wording from this template from Alex Franzen (<3 she knows the words when yours are lost for the moment), which is great if you’re using it with the right intentions. I wasn’t, I was hoping to hide behind someone else's creativity instead of working with my own. I knew this even as I was writing the emails, but how desperately I wanted to avoid doing my real work.

At first, I was ashamed for contacting them like this. And then I petted myself like a cat which always feels lovely. Then, I smiled towards the Fear that was trying to protect me from rejection/failure, appreciating its efforts. Letting it go too. Kate Swoboda and Big Magic helped out with this mentality. 

(I've been learning to forgive myself instantly.)

I was scared to fully own my creativity. I’m still hella scared but have been practicing coming out of hiding (Michelle, thank you forever <3).

Now I feel the simmering, the joy of discovering and learning to express my creativity, and knowing there’s more to come. Not even toying with being a creator behind-the-scenes in someone else’s soulful work – not in denial anymore.

This post is a thank you and an apology.

Where I used to feel guilty amazement at myself, there's compassion and forgiveness because I just wanted to hide from a soulful life so bad. It meant showing up, taking risks, being serious about my authenticity and service. All the Scary. (That's where the joy is tho, same idea Brene Brown talks about. Something to remind ourselves.)

If you’re in that place too, I trust you’ll come out of hiding too and see how delicious it is outside. And then you’ll see where else you’re hiding, and come out again. And again.

If you’re hiding somewhere in your life, have the courage to see it.

If you’re hiding from your unique gifts/soul gifts/creativity/etc, have the courage to look at this, so you can walk towards them.

If your desperation led you to feeling shame, here’s forgiveness your way too. Caged animals do what they can. Sometimes it takes a while to see what the cage even is.

My answer’s always love.

Start to explore what you’ve been running from - with curiosity. There’s so much freedom, wisdom, power, in looking at your own shadows.

I’m diving into my shadows more these days and it’ll be my personal focus this upcoming playshop.

Explore. Explore.explore.explore. Face the light and the dark. Keep doing it, for authenticity, service, joy.

Diving into.

First of the series where I share all the wonderful things I wanna.

Explore.

LOVE YOUR LADY LANDSCAPE: Trust Your Gut, Care for Down There + Reclaim Your Fierce + Feminine SHE Power - Lisa Lister

The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida (paperback or Kindle versions most recommended). For men + the women who love them.

Sustain condoms. Vegan and all the good things + you can try out the first month of the subscription free. Sadly, they don't have a "large" yet but it's coming. Soon. We're very eager, Sustain.

This tea is like roses, this one is so cleansing. Plus it's Persephone and Love, how can I not.

My favourite exercise at the gym for the longest. I enjoy it so much. Unlike squats.

Qoya is glorious and beautiful, explore everything.

Ho'oponopono adaptation - How To Forgive with Elizabeth DiAlto. Loved this practice, used it several times after my relationship ended. Forgiveness is so healing.

Journelle Estelle Hipster - I search far and wide for comfy (relatively affordable) underwear. Far. And wide. I've been so happy with this one.

Sun Signs - Linda Goodman. One of my favourite books on astrology with so much humour and, occasionally, awesome accuracy.

Hope something here made your day a little brighter and/or more interesting.

 

With Love,

Dariya

What you'd know about me if you came over for tea.

You'd come over lots of times, of course. You'd find out:

  • I'm a Gemini. Very Gemini.
  • Sometimes I don't use punctuation it just feels more accurate
  • My fav herbal tea smells like rose petals.
  • I usually sit cross-legged, even on chairs.
  • Pine trees and spearmint smell delicious.
  • Things like this and this fit my soul. 
  • Art.
  • The first season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine is excellent. 
  • My fav childhood memories include: strawberries, litters of kittens, dirt roads, bushy nasturtium, a fragrant wooden cottage, and the occasional porcupine in a Belarussian summer.
  • I was born in Siberia by a pretty big lake.
  • I'd felt at home in 4 different countries by the time I was 9 and 4 places in the US by the end of high school. For the last few years I've been kissing both sides of the US-Canada border on the regular. Usually, "home" is wherever I am + love is. 
  • Hufflepuff.
  • Drawn to: bats, pet rats, cats, coyotes and so much living in the ocean.
  • The West Coast has been smiling sweetly at me for a while. I'm almost ready.
  • Big armchair, soft blanket, view of trees. YES. 
  • Dessert: bread pudding, sweet banana chips and flan.
  • Touch.
  • Blue is my fav colour and I'm so particular about the shade because it has. to. feel. delicious. I love the deep purple-blue at dusk, and a certain blue-green the ocean is sometimes.
  • Soul food is often: fresh sketchbook paper, pencils, eraser. Tea and nice candles.